Lately, it has been hot, so I decided to do something that would make life a little easier. I cooked a bunch of different meals in the crock pot, put them into containers, and froze them. That way, when the weather is hot, I wouldn't have to do much cooking. Then a flyer came in from the local Mexican market. They had pineapples, plantains, mangoes, watermelon, cucumbers—fresh fruits and vegetables at really good prices. They also had beef shanks. So after the gym, I had my caretaker take me to the store. I already had plenty of food at home. I had meals in the freezer, food in the refrigerator, and everything I needed. I wasn't going to the store because I was running out of food. But when I got there, something happened. I felt happy. The store was colorful and full of fresh food. I could choose one of this, two of that, three of something else. I wasn't limited to whatever quantity happened to come in a package. I could actually look at what I wanted and decide what I wa...
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“Jesus Was Never a Christian: Untangling Faith, Fear, and Direct Connection to God”
There comes a point in many spiritual journeys where the questions stop being theoretical and start becoming deeply personal.
I found myself there recently — asking questions I once avoided.
If Jesus wasn’t a Christian, then what exactly is Christianity?
And if God isn’t inside a religion, then what am I actually relating to?
The truth is simple, but not always easy to sit with:
Jesus Christ was not a Christian. He was a Jewish teacher living within his own time, culture, and spiritual tradition. Christianity formed after his life, when his followers began trying to make sense of his teachings, his death, and what they believed was his resurrection.
Over time, those early communities evolved into structured systems — what eventually became the Church. Through councils, leadership structures, and political influence from figures like Constantine the Great, Christianity became an organized, global religion. From there, different branches formed, including Catholicism and later Protestant traditions through reformers like Martin Luther.
So what we call “Christianity” today is not a single untouched original structure. It is a living history of interpretation, tradition, disagreement, and evolution.
For many people, that realization can be disorienting.
I know it was for me.
At one point I stepped away from Catholicism and moved toward a more direct form of Christianity — one where I felt I could go straight to God without intermediaries. No saints. No hierarchy. Just prayer and relationship.
But even then, questions remained.
Was I leaving something sacred behind?
Was I doing something wrong spiritually?
Was fear shaping my beliefs more than faith?
And underneath all of it was a deeper fear I hadn’t fully named:
If I choose “wrong,” will God be angry with me?
That’s where spiritual confusion often hides — not in theology, but in fear.
Because at the core of most traditions, Catholic, Protestant, or otherwise, there is a shared idea: that connection to God matters more than getting every detail perfectly correct.
Catholics often speak of saints as intercessors — not replacements for God, but companions in prayer. Many Protestant traditions reject that structure and emphasize direct access to God through Christ alone. Both are attempts to describe relationship with the divine.
But neither was meant to create fear.
What I’ve come to understand is this:
God is not waiting to punish us for misunderstanding the system.
And spiritual growth often involves unlearning the idea that there even is a system we can fail.
Sometimes faith isn’t about choosing the “right version” of religion.
Sometimes it’s about rebuilding trust in your own direct connection to the divine — whatever language you use for that.
For me, this journey is less about doctrine now and more about presence, honesty, and inner alignment. It’s about asking:
Do I feel more connected to love, or more afraid of getting it wrong?
That answer usually tells me everything I need to know.
If you’re moving through your own questions about faith, spirituality, or what it means to connect with something greater than you, you’re not alone. If my journey resonates with you, I invite you to support my recovery and rebuilding process through my GoFundMe. Every contribution helps me continue healing, growing, and finding my way forward after life-changing trauma.
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